We cut our bangs at dawn.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
lmao
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right