Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Perfection.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”