@UnFitz Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
@SarcasticCharm Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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@UnFitz 
@Home_Halfway It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
@mdob11 *someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
@Home_Halfway The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
@lizzzzzielogan I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
@WheelTod This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
@macchiatonumb They say women only use 10% of their anger
@RickAaron So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
@MichaelJErhart “I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
@MaybePileJokes co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.