@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

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@UnFitz

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

@Home_Halfway

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

@mdob11

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

@lizzzzzielogan

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

@WheelTod

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

@RickAaron

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

@MichaelJErhart

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

@MaybePileJokes

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.