– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?