I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead