I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.