I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?