Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
You Might Also Like
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!