*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
He a real one for that
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.