Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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Jupiter
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.