[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.