The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Cake!!
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
This guy’s not having it 😆
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Finally, a door that understands me
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”