If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Bless you
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR