I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.