Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Bring back the McRib
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever