Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
When you’re Kinky but poor