just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Lmao 🤣
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”