just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas