Lmao 🤣
You Might Also Like
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk