Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.