I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Never forget.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.