Never forget.
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Perfect.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.