Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would move hell over six inches for you
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I have no passwords left in me
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Cool shirt 🙂
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.