My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.