If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
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If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth