Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

just left a huge legacy in there

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Education is vital

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun