Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
![]()
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine![]()
![]()
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
![]()
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?