Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Oceanography is all about current events
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”