I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?