11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
how it started vs how it ended
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Not all heroes wear capes…
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”