I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.