I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
*seductively eats two tums*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I have questions??
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when