cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Hmm, not sure about this change
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.