anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Chicken bread
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
God, I love Scotland
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”