anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Wake me when AI does housework
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.