One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”