Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The game has officially changed 😎