Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
You Might Also Like
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Where’s my employee discount too?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.