“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
What about a To-Don’t List?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god