Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Try and stop me.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.