Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You Might Also Like
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me sliding into hell like
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?