He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
This anagram machine is out of order.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
😂😂😂
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*