😂😂😂
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
how to have an accident 101
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight