My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.