*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
You Might Also Like
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Vodka burrito was a success
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes