Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.