#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”