I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
You Might Also Like
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.