Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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i was baptized in a car wash
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“How’s your day going?”