Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.