It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.