If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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A small tragedy.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun