[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.