I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You Might Also Like
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Cause of death: Zumba
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone